Approaching my 70th birthday….as I move towards this significant milestone …there so much to write …though I have written almost everything in my diaries during college days…and the rest of 70s…..then again in my blogs during 2010-20…
At the outset I want to record my gratitude to the cosmic infinite forces … Brahman … the Universal Timeless Truth …. The Supreme Truth …. as epitomised by the Sanatan Dharma Trinity ….Brahma-Vishnu-Shiva …., the Trimurti …… each corresponding to a cosmic function: Brahma (the Creator), Vishnu (the Preserver) and Shiva (the Transformer/Destroyer).
This has been the guiding force throughout my life … this self realisation and cosmic consciousness was made possible due to good fortune of taking Dikshya from Swami Hitanand Saraswati at the age of 17 and my explorations of truth and reality … which were fully documented in my journals then …
Indeed very Salingerisque … having to lead the rest of ones life … after having experienced the ULTIMATE… waiting for the end …
This has to be viewed against the reality of having been born after spending 9 months in a womb which a tomb .. since my Mother had couple of miscarriages before me … a Laingian Facts of Life trauma….
Hence this fascination for the END which was extended to everything I viewed in life … everything seemed to be collapsing… my first job at United Bank of India … too was filled with collapse after I did the strategic long range plan … probably one of the earliest in the banking system in 1984 …
I diagnosed the bank as terminally sick in my research … soon RBI as the regulator also starting monitoring… I started getting the familiar ‘womb as a tomb’ paranoia … I felt paralysed .. and I knew the ship was sinking …
All my journals entries used to end with “as we hurtle towards 2001 … and beyond” …. again deeply influenced by Kubrick’s masterpiece…
I used to think living till the age of 50 would be more than sufficient… my Father passed away at 56 … also used to feel that after having attained Cosmic Consciousness by early 20s … life was was a charade … we were only an infinitely tiny speck in the scheme of things … within the space time continuum which had no beginning and no end …
I was deeply influenced by the Bhagavad Gita, Upanishads and Adi Shankaracharya… which I has read during my mind bending period of college …
Now as I step into my 70th birthday I have decided to step into Vanaprastha hood. Sadhguru says: “Vanaprastha is just that – to bring a deep sense of mortality to this body. If the body knows it is mortal, it gradually calibrates itself well. It will not foolishly waste its energy. It will definitely live much longer. Vanaprastha is not necessarily about dying. It is about making a person absolutely conscious of one’s mortality. Without that, a human being is not a human being – they will live a very idiotic life.”
Hence I record my deep gratitude to my parents, brother, my wife, daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren, my nearest relatives, and in-laws. A special thanks to my wife Sharmistha my wife who bore the brunt of my madness.
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